If you have creative writing about your healing process in relationship that you would like to share with others, send it to Nancy Ross email: clo.nancy@sympatico.ca and I will add it to this section of my website. Please note that it may not be possible to post everything I receive.

The Artist In Me

I’m beginning to get the picture. I’ve been staring at this canvas for years. Bewildered, yet constantly intrigued by its beauty and strokes of magnificence.

Often I would pace, hoping it would say something to me – I waited patiently.

You would think that as time goes, the brilliance would fade. Yet in essence the colors have become more vibrant, more alive for all to see the depths, of this wonderful masterpiece.

The mystery brushed deep into the seams, keeps you guessing.

My breath falls short, as I take in the portrait from all sides. My heart pounds hard, when it is clear what I see.

I feel blessed there is an artist in me…

— Pam Blanchard (pam.interlude@sympatico.ca)

The Roller Coaster of Life

I feel like my stomach is lodged in my throat?

I have been riding this roller coaster of life… I guess forever in some ways but it seems more intense lately and it’s not exactly a thrillers ride. The ups and downs, the unknown twist and sharp turns often leave me screaming and at times panicked. Trying to make my life lucid has been more complicated then I ever thought possible.

I have been married for 7 years and together with the same man for twelve. From the moment we met I knew he was the one I would marry.

We dated and we struggled, right from the get go, however, that never stopped us from saying “I do” five years later.

I was pretty messed up when we met and wanted a knight to rescue me from the depths of my despair – and so he did, baggage and all.

I remember slowing letting go of every part of myself that I disliked and over time even the parts I did like because they just didn’t fit into the new life I’d chosen. Without realizing what was happening, my spirit started withering away.

Less then a year after we were married we brought home our first baby girl. Her name should have been “sunshine” for she lit up every part of me, including all that lay withered.

Two and a half years later another star was born and she to ignited my spirit that had lain silent for so long.

With many peaks and lows in our relationship, we managed to slip through. Mostly by not acknowledging the problems and often letting time soften their lethal edge - unaware that they would circle back to haunt us again and again. Oblivious to the fact that we both were the cause of this vicious cycle we spent years blaming each other for our indifferences. It seemed easy at the time (or shall I say more familiar) than taking any ownership for the all that was left unsolved. It was frightening to look at myself and think I could possibly play a part in all that wasn’t going well in our relationship. To me that meant failure and I wanted no part of it! To realize I was in charge of my emotions my actions and my reactions was scary stuff for someone who spent most of her life blaming her “alcoholic and abusive father” for all her disappointments. However, twenty years of hearing that story starts to thin out an audience of loved ones.

I was unaware that it takes two to have an argument; no different then it takes two to work on building a healthy relationship or better yet a partnership.

And so the journey of healing and self- growth began.

Whatever books were referred to me, I read. I became quickly aware that knowledge meant growth and growth meant change but positive change – lightening the load that hindered me. I realized as an adult that I was in-charge of my life! That alone was a wonderful discovery.

Knowing that positive change was within my reach, terrified me. What if my choices weren’t the right ones and failure reared its ugly head again? The struggle went on, until I just had to start trusting in myself. My driving force was I wanted to be the best I could be, for myself and also for my children. The spirit was withered but not dead!

With all of this knowledge however, I also realized I was in an unhealthy marriage with my husband. When he refused marriage counseling, I sought help for myself. Within a year I had decided my husband and I needed to separate.

I was devastated that I was giving up a life long dream of being married to the same man for the rest of my life. It was something I wanted to do better then my parents, better then all the statistics that were thrown in my face when I’d tell someone “I’m separated”. My intentions were to break the pattern of dysfunctional marriages that generated throughout my family. I wanted that dream so much, that I often think I lived an illusion instead of a conscious marriage.

I watched my parents circle of anger and pain come around continually. I believe that if they were open to healthier alternatives they would have been able to soften the blow of their nasty separation and the anger that still hovers 25 years later.

When I asked my husband to leave our home it was very painful to watch him go. After he’d gone I quickly suppressed my pain to the back of my mind. My sorrow stayed buried for months - brewing. I thought because there was no screaming or blaming that I had separated well and was on my way to breaking an unhealthy pattern. Boy was I fooled!

When we talked I kept it short but sweet. I didn’t want to talk about us but was happy to share with him stories about our girls. If he needed something from the house or wanted to see the girls I was more then willing to let him drop by. I felt I was being very sincere and empathetic towards him. I was unaware that we weren’t connected until we talked with his therapist. It was then that my wall came crashing down. By the time our session was over I not only realized I was disconnected from him, I was also disconnected from my children. I was going through the motions of everyday life, letting whatever it was take over so I wouldn’t have to acknowledge the ache in the pit of my stomach. I was unaware that I had suppressed so much pain to the point my husband assumed I was in none because of how I remained so stoned faced when we’d talk. Thinking that tears meant weakness, I would force those emotions away with a deep breath and swallow hard.

Connecting with my husband was painful but also very beautiful. Connecting with my girls was just plain beautiful. With my husband we learned to open our hearts to each other. We’ve made one another aware that we have a voice, desperately needing to be heard and understood. We’ve felt each other’s pain for the first time like it was our own. We’ve hugged and we’ve cried for all that was, that wasn’t and all those what if’s. It was the day when healing and growth rose to the trials of this wrenching occasion. For some reason it all seems up hill because of that moment we started connecting.

Even though the road looks long and hard, there is a light waiting there in the distance offering better tomorrows. And when the ride of life takes another twist or turn, I just keep saying, “hold on, just hold on.”

— Pam Blanchard (pam.interlude@sympatico.ca)