by Victoria Balfour
(from "Was this marriage saved?," Ladies' Home Journal , March 2006)

As newlyweds, in 1997, Holly and Joe Barruso, then 26 and 34, were already having major blowups over Lexi, his daughter from a previous marriage. When the 8-year-old came to stay with the Barrusos in Los Angeles for the summer, Holly felt abandoned. "Joe would sit with her until she fell asleep," recalls Holly, a social worker. "I felt jealous and accused Joe of spoiling his daughter."

Joe, an animation artist, admits he was overprotective out of paternal guilt. "My rationale was, 'I can indulge her for the summer because I'm not there the rest of the time,'" he says. Even when Lexi wasn't around, Joe allowed his ex-wife to intrude on his new marriage. "She'd call constantly to discuss Lexi," Joe says. "I'd drop whatever I was doing to talk to her, even if Holly and I were in the middle of dinner." Moreover, Joe and Holly had diametrically opposed fighting styles: He tended to yell; she to withdraw.

The Barrusos sought the help of Bruce Crapuchettes, PhD, a psychologist in Altadena, California, trained in Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago teaches couples to break destructive patterns by "dialoguing," a process in which each partner mirrors, validates, and empathizes with the other's words. We recently checked in with Joe and Holly, now living in Tampa with their 1-1/2-year-old twins, Kyle and Jeremy.

Holly: Looking back, I realize I was not very welcoming to Lexi, who had come all the way across the country by herself to live for six weeks with her dad and me. That's incredibly tough for an 8-year-old. Bruce helped me see that my reaction stemmed from my insecurity about whether Joe really loved me. Bruce told Joe that Lexi would benefit if he made our marriage his number one priority.

Joe: I made shifts in that direction. For instance, it used to enrage Holly that I'd sit with Lexi until she fell asleep -- often long after Holly went to bed herself. Bruce suggested a family meeting, and it was great because Lexi herself came up with the solution. She suggested she start her bedtime routine earlier so Holly would still be up when she fell asleep.

Holly: One helpful technique was the "behavior change request," in which you ask for things you would like from your partner. I told Joe I wanted a weekly date with him, and he agreed.

Joe: Imago techniques also helped us come up with a solution to my ex-wife's inopportune phone calls. Now I'll say, "This isn't a good time. I'll call you tomorrow."

Holly: Lexi is 16 now and we get along great! She's a terrific big sister.

Joe: I love being a dad to all three kids. And Holly and I are more truly in love because we're doing the necessary work.